My wish...

Today marks one year since my Grandma took her last breath and went to sleep until Jesus comes. In some ways it has seemed like a long year, but in other ways it has really flown by.

If I could have one wish, it wouldn't be to have the opportunity to tell Grandma I loved her more often or to have spent more time with her or anything like that. She knew how much I loved her, and I knew how much she loved me. We repeated that to each other over and over again whenever we talked during the last few months and weeks before she died. Also, we probably spent more time together than most grandmothers and granddaughters do. I grew up only a few streets from her house. It was my second home during my childhood and teen years, and I always visited her and my Grandpa every time I was able to be back in my hometown. I had nearly 29 years of her in my life, which is more than many can say.

No, the thing I would wish for is that I could have had the privilege of being able to tell my Grandma that I am pregnant. Or even better, that I could have been able to see her hold and love my child. That I could have had one of those generation photos taken with her, my Mum, me, and my baby all together. That my children could have met her, gotten to know her, love her, and be loved by her.

I don't have that chance anymore, at least not in this world. But I absolutely cannot wait to find her again at the second coming and introduce my kids to her, to enjoy the prospect of them getting to know each other for all of eternity.

"Even so, come, Lord Jesus." (Rev. 22:20b)

Five Minute Friday: Tell

Ty and I hanging out on a Provincetown, MA beach

My younger sister and brother and I decided to spend our 2009 spring break in New England to take in all the Northern states we were missing from our "States We've Been To" count. (At that point we needed all of New England (excluding Maine), Delaware, and Louisiana. We got all except for LA on that trip.) We based ourselves in southern Rhode Island and took day trips around the area to experience as much of New England as we could get to in seven days.

One day near the end of the week we drove to Provincetown, Massachusetts on the tip of Cape Cod. After exploring the beaches and town, we headed back in the late afternoon. And on our drive back our conversation led my brother Tyler to suggest we give mini "eulogies" to each other. Although that may sound creepy and weird, it wasn't. It was beautiful and a really special time of sibling bonding where we told each other all the things we loved and appreciated about each other. We spent the drive telling each other things that might have otherwise only been said about the person at a funeral -- rather than to the person while they are living.

This idea had been brewing in Tyler's mind since the summer before, when one of his high school buddies had died in a terrible motorcycle accident. That incident had made Ty realize how important it is to tell people, while they are living, why you appreciate them, how they've made a difference in your life, and, above all, what they mean to you.

And that simple but heartfelt conversation in a 1989 Honda Accord with no heat on a drive from Cape Cod to Rhode Island will never be forgotten. Sometimes, or more like, often, it gets pushed to the back of my mind when other "more important" things crowd in the way. But when all the other distractions are cleared away again, I remember that the most important things in life are relationships, and that one of the most precious things you can do to maintain and grow a relationship is to verbally acknowledge it to the other person.

I'll let a few paragraphs Tyler wrote finish up this post for me, because I could never write these thoughts out as well as he already has:

"Scott's death was painful for me, but out of it grew something beautiful. While Scott's death took away my chance to express my thanks for his friendship, it also gave me thousands of new chances. His passing made me realize how many people in my life are constantly making a positive impact on me, and how few of them are ever thanked for it. As a result, I've thought long and hard about these opportunities, and how I can make the most of them."   . . .

"You see, I believe that there are incredible possibilities right at our fingertips. Thousands upon thousands of human beings are within each individual's sphere of influence, and if we work at cultivating this potential, there is no telling what we might be able to achieve. Appreciation is key. Simple affirmation of a person's positive abilities and tendencies makes them want to continue doing good. Expressing your love and thankfulness of another individual causes them to be uplifted and proactive in doing the same to others."
~ Tyler

Take time today to tell the people you love and appreciate why they are special to you. And tell them again and again, whenever you think of it, as much as possible. Because you never know what effect your words might have on them.

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My thoughts on the prompt 'tell' for last week's Five Minute Friday. Please read the link for more information on why the word 'tell' was chosen. And, of course, join in tomorrow if you feel inspired!
It took me a while to collect my thoughts on last week's prompt, but late is always better than never. :)

Five Minute Friday: Close

As we were growing up, people always commented about us. "You guys seem so close." "You three don't fight like other siblings. You must be really close." "What makes you all so close?" We would either just smile and nod at the statements, or shrug at the questions. We didn't know what made us close, we just were.

As we grew up, we stayed closely-knit, even all eventually attending the same university, across the continent from our hometown. The first year all three of us were there together, we found out, quite awhile into the school year, that many people wondered which of us girls was dating the guy. They were always relieved to find out we were siblings rather than a strange love triangle. We found it all rather amusing.

After college we all went our separate ways -- my sister Bryna to Eygpt as a student missionary preschool teacher, me to Tanzania as a student missionary doing public relations work for an NGO, my brother Tyler in his last year of school. The next year Bryn started a one-year preschool certification, Tyler set out on his own student missionary stint teaching two missionary kids, and making and editing videos for the mission organization in Guyana, while I got married and moved to South Korea with my husband where he taught English and I worked at a textbook office. For two years we were spread across the globe, then the next year Tyler and Bryn worked and lived together back in our hometown while I moved east to Maine where my husband started a master's degree. Now my brother has moved here, too, while my sister still lives in the west. But it didn't matter how long we were apart. Each time we got together again, no matter how long or short a time we had to spend with each other, it was always like we'd never been apart. We fit back together again like a jigsaw puzzle.

Last night it was like that again. The three of us siblings, and now all of our significant others, hanging out together, conversations overlaid one on top of another, never a lull or a time of awkward silence. We are close and I can't think of anything that will ever keep us from being close. No matter where we end up living, what we end up doing for work, we will always slip right back to where we left off. I am so glad it's like that. And I hope my children will also have that same kind of relationship with each other. It's just...comfortable. And awesome!

Siblings in late 1989

Siblings after a performance in the early 2000s

Tyler, I'm so glad all of us, and many other family members and friends, are converging upon Maine this weekend to help you celebrate your marriage to Amanda. We love you both so much!

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My musings on the prompt 'close' for Five Minute Friday. Join in next week if you feel inspired!

Five Minute Friday: Glue

She was the glue that held us all together.

She was the one who organized our annual family Christmas name draw and kept it going year after year, for several decades. The one who sent out the birthday cards - and later included homemade birthday chocolates - early so they would arrive on or before the actual day. The one who gave advice when asked, but held her tongue and let us figure it out on our own sometimes, too.

She was the one who started our family e-mails, and was always faithful to write every day unless she was on a trip or sick and in the hospital. And she was the one who prompted those of us who weren't as faithful to keep on writing because what we had to say was interesting and important.

She was the one who invited large groups of people to her house for Sabbath meals, who planned family game nights and pizza suppers, who got excited when all the relatives would be in town for a holiday or a family event, and made sure the occasion included a meal or two at her house.

She was the one who did so much to make everything flow smoothly, but the one who probably never got enough praise or recognition. She bound us all together with love tighter than any ropes.

And now we all feel unglued without her.
What do you do when the glue in your life suddenly disappears?


My Grandma's birthday was a week ago today. She would have been 86. Two days later marked the third month since she died. Some days it feels too real; others it doesn't seem real at all.
Her name was Esther Linda. I always found it so fascinating that her name was so similar to the word Easter, and I often told her that I thought her parents should have chosen the name Lily rather than Linda for her middle name. All I will be thinking about the whole day this Easter Sunday is Gram.

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My musings on the prompt 'glue' for Five Minute Friday. Join in next week if you feel inspired!

Hands

I know my recent blog posts have been focusing on my grandmother, but she was a special person and I am inspired to write when I think of her. There might be a few more posts about her in the next little while.

I found these pictures while I was looking for the perfect photos to include in my 10 Things I Love About Grandma post. They didn't quite fit any certain category, but were still beautiful photos I wanted to use in some way. I love how these pictures focus on just one small part of the body, but convey so much.

Bryn and Gram walking together

Care shown through touch

Support and love

Thank you so much, Mum, for taking these pictures over the past few years. They are truly wonderful portraits of exceptional love.

Gone

I knew as soon as Jonathan nudged me awake and said, "Ali, your phone is ringing." I fought off sleep and grasped for the buzzing phone, dropped it because it was plugged in, and finally reached down and picked it up. But I was too late, the call had ended. Immediately I called back to my Dad's cell phone number, only to hear my Mum on the line. I knew what she was going to say before she even said a word, but the words didn't really register when she told me that Grandma had died about half an hour earlier.

My brother texted a couple minutes after I got off the phone with my Mum, asking if he could come over for a little bit. When he walked in, he gave me a big, puffy-coat-ed hug. We sat in the living room and talked, a little bit about our sadness, but mostly about logistics for when and how to leave for the funeral.

When he left, I got on my computer for the first time since Friday night. I had a backlog of e-mails and blog posts on my Reader that I worked to catch up on. Then I got a new e-mail notification. It was from one of the elders (via the pastor) at my home church with my grandmother's name in the subject. I clicked to read the e-mail and that's when reality sunk in. Seeing the words in black-on-white, carefully and lovingly written to both inform and give hope to our church family, my eyes misted over and my throat tightened.

Yes, my beloved Grandma died this morning, after struggling long weeks to stay alive and spend more time with those she loved. But I know that she is just resting in Jesus, waiting in peace now until He comes again. And oh how I want to be there right beside her on that resurrection day!

Five Minute Friday: See

Every time I talk to someone from home, my parents or my sister, they tell me how my grandmother is doing. They describe how things are going for her, how she looks, what living day-to-day is like for them all. And I can't imagine it. I have seen people - close family friends and church members and an uncle - wither away because of the cancer racing through their bodies, but somehow I can't seem to see my Grandma in that shape.

I am not there to see the changes that have happened to my Grandma since I left BC in early December. I can only read or listen to my parents' and my sister's descriptions. I'm not sure which is worse, which is more sad.

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My musings on the prompt 'see' for Five Minute Friday. Join in next week if you feel inspired!

10 Things I Love About... Grandma!

The past couple days have been sad for our family as my Grandma's health is failing fast. In this time of sadness, I wanted to bring a little happiness to my family and those who know and love my Grandma. A 10 Things I Love About You post seemed like just the thing to do that. So here it is.

10 things I love about my Grandma are...

1. She loves her family and will do just about anything for them.

My Mum and her two sisters (Mumma is the baby)

My grandparents and their family

Gram with 7/8ths of her grandkids (at the time)

Grandma and her oldest and youngest daughters in August 2011

Grandma visiting her sister at the nursing home

Bryn and I in Cairo, Egypt Skyping with the hometown family on Christmas Day 2010

The extended family at Grandma and Grandpa's 60th wedding anniversary celebration in August 2012

Whether it's helping a family member out with something, making yummy food to share, writing love notes, spending evenings playing games, making and sending out "birthday chocolates," or just hanging out having quality time (and countless other things, too), Gram is a master at loving her family. And we all love her back. A lot!

2. She has such a strong faith in God.

My baby dedication at the Orchard City Seventh-day Adventist Church

A special prayer for Grandma by Pastor Brian after church in October

My grandparents and parents have been such an inspiration to me in my spiritual life. They have all been very involved in our church and in witnessing (door-to-door, to those who come to their doors, and through friendship evangelism). My Grandma has always been so faithful at doing little things, things that others might not know about, but ones that really make an impact. Things like sending cards or visiting those who are sick or lonely and forgotten. Things that have a huge potential for brightening up someone's day and making them feel loved and cared about.

3. She appreciates good music and instilled that into her children and grandchildren.

Baby Ali plunking on my grandparents' piano
(In the background, the best ever SDA songbook!)

Mum and me practicing violin together

My Grandma had each of her daughters take piano lessons, and later on had them learn another instrument of their choosing. This early musical training that my mother and her sisters had was very likely the reason that my siblings and I were so involved in music ourselves (well that and some adorable beginner violinists at SMC in the late 70s). And Grandma has always enjoyed listening to her children and grandchildren play music, no matter their age or ability.

4. She has a passion for traveling and learning about more of the world.

On our Hawaii trip (Gram opted out of the picture...)

Riding Via Rail from Moncton, New Brunswick to Quebec City

I might have missed the loving-to-cook gene, but I sure got the loving-to-travel gene! My family has an interest in going to and learning about new places. My grandparents started it all by taking their three daughters on trips all across Canada and the US from the time they were young until they were going away to college and beyond. I have been so privileged to have been born into a family who values travel, seeing new places, and learning from different cultures. Some of my favourite trips with my family and grandparents have been: my Mum and Grandma taking the kids to Oahu, Hawaii in 1990, driving to Alaska in our motor home in 1991, a whirlwind tour of Europe (10 countries in 10 days) in 2004, and an Eastern Canada trip in 2008 to experience some of the areas of Canada we hadn't been to yet.

5. She loves flowers and pretty things in nature.

Gram with a beautiful bouquet sent from a friend

My grandparents on their annual spring trip to Art Knapps for flowers to plant

Grandma with her colourful selections

As far back as I remember my grandparents' yard had many flowers. Most of them were perennials, so they bloomed year after year in the same flower beds. My favourites were always the nasturtiums - we loved biting off the tip of part of the flower and then sucking out the sweet nectar. When my grandparents moved from their house to a condo they still wanted flowers around. Potted plants and bouquets from family and friends frequently lived on their dining room table, but even so, each spring my grandparents planted a few of their favourite flowers in their small flower bed off the porch. Flowers always make me think of Grandma, both because she always tried to have some around and because they are so cheery to look at and they buoy the spirits so well.

6. She's always up for a good joke or a bit of fun.

A funny prankster man who started dusting Gram and Mum while we were walking around Quebec City

Good-natured Gram modeling a "gift" from Mum and me

^I can't remember where this fake pearl jewelry set came from (probably a freebie from a bank or grocery store or someplace like that), but my mum and I brought it over to Gramps and Gram's house and played a little joke on my Grandma. We gave it to her and said it was a present for her. When she opened it up she was quite surprised, but laughed about it with us and even modeled the necklace and bracelet for a photo. :)

This is just so typical of my Grandma. She is always ready for a laugh and if it's with family or good friends it's even better. I have so many memories of her and my Mum and sometimes others having giggle fits about the silliest things. I'm so glad I grew up in a family who knows the benefits of laughter!

7. She always encourages.

Writing Christmas thank you cards with my super-cool coloured pen

This one (and the corresponding picture) is two-fold. Firstly, my grandma always encouraged me in my writing. From the time I was nine and would send her ridiculous little stories when my family lived in Alberta, she always told me how much she loved what I wrote and that I should always keep writing. She is one of the main reasons I eventually decided on a writing major in college and have enjoyed exploring creative writing. She has always given me wonderful feedback and encouragement with my writing, whether it was a post on this blog or a short story I wrote up.

Secondly, my Grandma has instilled in me the importance of encouraging others. She is always writing thank you notes, encouraging letters to people who live far away or who can't get out much, and visiting people who need a pick-me-up. Her care for others is so inspiring and I hope I can be as much of a blessing to others as I know she has been to many.

8. She loves sports.

Gram helping my older sister Becky learn how to play baseball

I always loved listening to my Grandma and her siblings talk about the games they played while growing up back on the family farm in Saskatchewan. They sure came up with some great ideas! One game that inevitably came up in conversation, though, was baseball. Hearing about them all playing catch or organizing pick-up games of siblings and friends made me realize how fun sports could be. My Grandma and Grandpa both were instrumental in teaching me how to hit a baseball, and I would be a whole lot worse at mini-golf had Gram not taught me the finer details of how to position my feet and swing my club.

9. She believes books and reading are important.

Gram listening to my niece Coral read a book

My deep love of books and reading definitely came from my Mum. And her love of them came from my Grandma. The whole lot of us are a book family, through and through!

10. She loves traditions and celebrations.

Santa grandparents - Their Christmas picture from a couple years ago

My grandparents with Jonathan and me at our wedding in August 2011

Cutting the cake at their 60th wedding anniversary in August 2012

Celebrating their 61st anniversary in their home

One reason traditions and celebrations are so important to me is because they were important to my mother and my grandmother. I guess it's true what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree. :) Special family traditions give us character and things to look forward to, and celebrations break up the every-day and make us realize what a good life we have. (Incidentally, optimism is another trait Gram has.)


All in all, I am so happy to have had nearly 29 wonderful years of knowing and loving my Grandma. I am so privileged to have her as my grandmother and to be able to learn so many things from her. Last night after Jonathan and I sang a hymn to her she told me how much she loved me. When I said "I love you so much, too, Gram," she countered with "I love you more!" I'm not sure. I think we both win that competition.

(My apologies for the large number of pictures. There were just too many good ones that I couldn't leave out. The vast majority were from my Mum, but one was from Jonathan and the rest are my own.)

Making pies with Gram

Last March I went home for three weeks while waiting for US Immigration to send me back my passport after my immigration interview. During that time I took a multitude of pictures. Unfortunately, while I really enjoy snapping candid pictures, I rather dislike taking them off my camera and actually doing anything with them. Alas, it is my photo downfall. I have pictures that I want to blog from last year, this summer, this past Christmas, any many more occasions, but I might never get around to them all simply because I like taking pictures a lot better than I like culling and editing them.

Tonight, though, it is time to put up one series of photos, pictures from last spring that I am so glad I took. My Grandma is a wonderful cook (as is my mother). I, on the other hand, can cook reasonably okay meals, but seldom am actually inspired to do so - I claim that the joy-of-cooking gene skipped me over. In our family, though many are great cooks, nobody makes pies like my Grandma! Because her pies are so delicious, I have been wary to attempt making any myself and stick to baking sweets that I feel confident about - mostly cookies and brownies. But when I was home in March I requested a pie-making lesson, and my sister and I spent a delightful afternoon at Gram's house learning how to make her pies. Here is the afternoon in picture-story form.

Mixing up the pie crusts

Rolling out the dough for my pie

Bryn's crust ready to be put in the pan

Gram's skilled hands molding the crust into the pan

Blueberry filling

Gram showing me how to make pretty designs on the top crust

The finished design

Putting on the top crust

Gramps camping out in the dining room to read the paper while the ladies make pies in the kitchen

Using the leftover dough to make another yummy little treat

Bryn rolling up the sweet roll

All ready to snack on :)

Our pies fresh out of the oven

Bryn showcasing her pie

Hey look, Gram taught me how to make pies!

These pictures are so special to me, and I'm so, so glad I brought my camera over to Grandma's house that day so I could snatch it up with floury-sticky fingers and capture these pictures of the process and the experience of making pies with Gram. Although I have no special passion for cooking or baking, I do enjoy making food with other people, especially people I dearly love. For me, making food is more about the experience and the memories made with others than it is about the actual results. And I will remember and cherish this wonderful afternoon with my Grandma for the rest of my life.

Thank you so much for teaching me just one of your baking skills, Gram! I hope my future pies taste even half as good as yours always do!

Unfair

Today I learned that my Grandma's health is deteriorating. I went home to BC in November and was able to spend quality time with her, but even though I saw her then, after a lung cancer diagnosis and a stroke, it still comes as a shock to hear that she isn't doing well.

Gram and I at my cousin's wedding in 2011

Today I also learned that a child I knew, a child I held and hugged, a little girl with beautiful bright eyes and a huge joyful smile, died in a tragic motorcycle accident. Rahma was six or seven years old and had a loving and caring foster mother and a foster sister and brother. All three children used to live at Cradle of Love Baby Home, where I volunteered in Tanzania in 2010-2011. Their mother is the nurse at the baby home. And my heart just breaks for her and her family, and their devastating loss.

Rahma playing at Cradle before bed in Oct. 2010

Today I realize anew how unfair life is, and I long for heaven more than ever.

Today Christmas means so much more to me. In just a few days we will celebrate the birth of the King who destroyed evil's grip on this world, and who will one day return here to bring an end, forever, to pain and suffering.

And today I am grateful for His gift, and that I can trust Him in all things.

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Rahma, you will be missed by many. Rest in peace now until that day to come when He will wake you again.

Grandma, my thoughts and prayers are with you every second. I love you so much!